amazing love

It's been a long time since I've had a chance to blog, so while this adorable sleeping beauty is resting peacefully against me, I thought it'd be a good time to post a few words.

With Easter being upon us and my first mother's day quickly approaching, I'm feeling overwhelming blessed -- by His sacrifice for my sins and by His grace in placing this tiny child in my arms. He died so that I could live.

Amazing love, oh what sacrifice
The Son of God, given for me
My debt He pays, and my death He dies
That I might live, that I might live!


It can be difficult to fathom the magnitude of His sacrifice in giving His life for us when you think about how truly undeserving we are of such mercy. And even so, He goes on to bless us time and time again, despite us being as filthy as rags. That is truly amazing love -- a kind of love deeper and purer than we can fully comprehend.

I'm reminded of His love each time I look into my Natalie's sweet eyes. Her angelic face radiates the love of Christ back to me. How can we ignore His invitation of love when we look at all the ways He's provided for us? How could anyone say they know love and not know God?

Sometimes I'm still in disbelief that such a precious little girl is truly mine to love and cherish. She still has a lot of unhappy times and some days I feel like I'm barely hanging on, but she is fearfully and wonderfully made just as God intended, and I love her more than I thought possible. The Lord already gave me the best gift He could -- the gift of salvation. But He's also given me the next best gift -- motherhood. I hope I take both of these gifts and always use them in a way that is pleasing to Him. After all, that's the only way I could honor His amazing love.

motherhood confessions

Confessions from a new mom:

- I consider it an accomplishment if I manage to shower every other day.
- My hands are often chapped from frequent hand washing to avoid germs.
- I ate dinner tonight in bed with my plate balanced on my left leg and a crying Natalie lying in my right arm.
- I secretly rejoice when Natalie has a poopy diaper when Matt has diaper duty (because it means I missed a dirty one)!
- My first thought every morning when I wake up is, "is she still breathing?" If I wake to her sounds or crying, I immediately feel relieved.
- I'd be embarrassed if anyone I knew saw the inside of our house in its current condition (except my parents -- they've already seen it).
- Our inside Christmas decorations are still up, including the Christmas tree and a few opened gifts underneath.
- Flowers I received the day after Natalie was born are still in the vase on the kitchen counter, exactly where they were placed when we came home from the hospital (and they're now rotting).
- I ask myself nearly every day, "Am I a good mother?"
- When we packed our big suitcase for our February trip to Tennessee, we had to get the suitcase out of the floor (with clothing still in it) from our December trip to Tennessee.
- I love how more polite people seem to be when you are pushing a stroller around. They'll stop so you can cross the street, hold a door open for you, etc.
- When we're out in public and my hair is dirty and crazy and I'm without makeup, I wonder if strangers ask themselves, "how did such a pretty baby come from that woman?"
- I'm thankful God didn't give me twins!

These are a few of my confessions as a new mom with my sleepy baby napping against me. I'm afraid to move from this position in fear of waking her.

Motherhood is far different than I imagined, but I know I will have earned the title of "mom" the first time I hear Natalie say, "I love you, mommy." In the mean time, I'll enjoy continuing to grow into these huge motherhood shoes as I learn to be the best mom I know how to be.

There are things I've accomplished in my lifetime that I'm proud of, but nothing has ever made me so proud as watching Natalie develop. Her favorite thing to do right now is to attempt raising into a sitting position on her own. She gets so frustrated when she can't. I'll never forget how proud she looked when she stood up (with assistance) from a seated position for the first time. That big grin worked its way right into my soul, and I was unbelievably proud of my baby girl who is already trying to be a big girl.

These past few months have had some big ups and downs, but with every smile from that sweet face, I fall deeper and deeper in love. Life will never be the same as it once was before Natalie joined us, but I like this life better. She's a keeper.

a lousy bucket list

I'll be honest with you. I never liked reading as an adolescent. I didn't have the slightest interest in reading and only did so when required to for school. During the second semester of my freshman English class, I was exposed to free verse poetry -- basically, poetry without rhyme and meter. Poetry that wasn't written by Emily Dickinson or Robert Frost ... who knew that existed?

Sometimes I still consider reading a chore, but some how, I fell in love with poetry. I think mostly due to the fact that it tends to be short. (And that's the reason I stay away from epic poetry, which is a lengthy narrative style poem.) I came to the realization that reading and analyzing poetry was actually fun and engaging, which ultimately led to my major in creative writing. I had always been interested in writing, just not reading. The two tend to go hand and hand, so I'll never wrap my brain around why I liked one so much but not the other.

So anyway, I went on to develop my skills as a poet. My favorite college classes were those that involved a lot of writing, and particularly my poetry classes. We were repeatedly told to write every day. Every single day. This was the best way to improve as a poet and writer. I was all about writing poetry during my college years until I had to neglect it during a demanding graduate program I was in for teacher education.

During college, I decided I wanted to publish a book of poems some time before I die. I guess you could say this started my "bucket list" -- a list that is pretty short (it's the only thing on my list, other than to have a family, which I've already obtained). I guess I'm not that ambitious? I'd rather just consider myself content with the simplicity of everyday life.

This year will mark six years since I wanted to make my mark on the world as a poet. I can't tell you the last time I wrote a poem. I received two poetry books for Christmas, and they were written by two of the contemporary poets who first drew my interest to poetry and remain two of my favorites today. I guess these books have brought back the memories of my poetry writing days and the goal I had (still have?) of publishing a poetry book some day.

I think my poetry well is definitely dried up, but I can't help but wonder if I could revive it. Does it really matter though? I think the poem below puts things into perspective. It's called "Invitation" and is in one of the books I received entitled Red Bird by poet Mary Oliver.

Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy

and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles

for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air

as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude --
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing

just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in this broken world.
I beg of you,

do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
You must change your life.

-------

Maybe I need to throw my little bucket list out the window and start a new one that includes things like what the poem describes. After all, what better things are there to experience than to soak in the mysterious beauty God created for us?

One final note -- my husband asked what I was blogging about, and I told him, "poetry". He asked if I posted the poem I wrote about a dead possum. Yes, in college, I even wrote a poem about a dead possum.

Even a mom sometimes needs her mom

I am going to keep this short because my little one is sleeping, and those peaceful sleeps have been a rarity in our home for a couple of weeks now.

I wanted to give a shout out to an unsung hero in my life. My mom.

The older (and more stubborn) I have gotten, the more my mom and I have clashed here and there. Mostly due to differences in personality where we don't always see eye to eye. But despite that, she has and always will be one of my closest friends. When my heart and mind are troubled, I revert back to that innate nature where I just need my mom to make things seem better.

Maybe that makes me childish, irresponsible, or too dependent -- I don't know. And I really don't care. But the truth is, a mother can simply make situations seem better with just her presence. I think this is one of those special traits that God gave mothers to possess during their child's time of need.

Long story short, I got really down earlier this week. I was handling it ok until one day when Matt had returned to work, and I was overcome with my emotions and felt alone. My parents could tell how down I was, and packed up immediately to make the four-hour trip to our home to help out. (It turned into a five hour trip due to icy roads on the mountain.)

Having my parents here to help Matt and me allowed me to keep my wits about me and get a second wind. I'll go ahead and point out that my dad has gone above and beyond the call of duty as well, but my mom has a special way that just comes natural to her of knowing how to keep me calm.

Mom stayed with us for two weeks after Natalie was born (Dad stayed for some of that time as well). It made it much easier on me in particular since I was recovering from surgery and still had a difficult time physically for the first few days after I came home from the hospital.

Well, I said I'd keep this short, but my hands keep typing. So I'll get to the point ...

Even when you become a parent yourself, you still sometimes need a helping hand, word of encouragement, or just a hug from your mom. My mom always puts my needs before her own, and now, Natalie's needs as well. It's just what mothers do, and I'm thankful to have her as an example for the kind of mother I hope to be for Natalie.

Thanks, mom. I don't always find it easy to verbally express the words in my heart, but I can write them. I hope you know how much your love and help are appreciated. I am glad another generation gets to experience all the love you (and dad) have to offer.

a year as husband and wife

In my last post, I said I would tell you what happened five years after that special October day at the state fair. But first, I wanted to tell what happened in the five years between.

Matt and I in December 2005 after a day of student
teaching for me. He was visiting me in Knoxville.

Matt and I both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but we didn't know how to logistically make that happen with us living eight hours apart at the time. I immediately started graduate school for teacher education the summer after earning my degree, and that was followed by a teaching internship. I thought I could easily get a teaching job in North Carolina after I finished up graduate school and could support myself through those means and be near Matt. Problem solved, right? 15 credit hours shy of completing my graduate degree, I decided I no longer wanted to be a teacher. It was a difficult decision, but more so for the fact that quitting the program also meant saying good-bye to the job option that would pave the way for us to not have a long distance relationship.
 

Here we were in early 2006, making our first homemade
pizza together. I remember my dad complaining about it
taking too long. He was hungry!

Matt stood by me the entire way and reassured me that we would find a way to make it work. I wanted to try out dog grooming school, but it came with a price tag of a few thousand dollars, and after sinking thousands of dollars into my college education, I didn't want to go into deeper debt for another career option until I knew for sure I wanted to stick with it. So I planned to work anywhere I could long enough to save up money. That led to a job in state government that I got comfortable in, and a temporary thing became a three year thing, and I stayed there right up until two days before our wedding.

This was taken on October 16, 2007 before we
headed to dinner for our 3rd anniversary.

In the mean time, Matt was applying for jobs that would put us closer together and was even nearly hired on at the newspaper in Knoxville on two different occasions. He ended up in Gastonia four years ago, cutting the distance between us in half to four hours. I started applying for jobs in Gastonia but had no luck.

Earlier on in our relationship, Matt really wanted us to live in the same location and date like "normal" couples, instead of having to travel just to see each other, before we got engaged. He thought it seemed silly to be engaged when you were in separate states and had no idea when you could be in the same one. As a woman, I would have been totally fine with having a pretty ring on my finger. ;-) But I understood.

We were at the corn maze in Corryton,
Tenn. in October 2008 for this photo.

As time wore on, I think the misery of being apart took a toll on us both. We never doubted we would stick together, but we were very unhappy with day to day life that didn't include us being together. Thank God for free long distance calling! Living together before marriage was an option neither of us supported or would consider, so we kept waiting for the right job opportunity where we could live in the same town. Matt also began realizing it was no longer important to him for us to live in the same location first. He just wanted me as his wife.

Moments after Matt proposed to me on February 12, 2009
at the World's Fair Park in Knoxville.

Finally, in the fall of 2008, we got tired of waiting on the perfect scenario, crunched the numbers financially, and decided to take a leap of faith. We started shopping for engagement rings at that time, and he proposed to me while in Knoxville on February 12, 2009. Soon after, we set a wedding date of October 18, 2009 -- five years and two days after we first revealed our love to each other.

Exchanging vows on our wedding day one year ago.

I just bored you with all the five-year history to help you better understand what brought us to where we are today and how much more meaningful this year has been to us because of the journey. Looking back, as miserable as I was to not be with Matt on a daily basis, it truly was the best thing for our relationship to blossom into the beautiful love we share today. That first year or two we were a couple, I thought I knew him so well and loved him so deeply. After five years together before we were married, that love and devotion grew in ways that a couple of years would not have allowed for. We had already been through so much together -- even simply to spend time together -- we knew we could last forever.

Laughing after we share our first kiss.

When we exchanged vows on this date a year ago, I was the happiest woman alive because I knew (and still know) beyond any doubt that my heart is with him and that no other possible place exists for me separate from him. Every detail of our wedding was done in a way to reflect us as a couple and our journey to the day we vowed to always be husband and wife. It truly was the best day of my life up until that point. I could not have asked for a more perfect wedding day. Since then, every day I have with Matt is a new best day.

Our first dance to "Allelujah" (see previous blog post
for back story about this song selection.)

I always heard how much of a challenge marriage is, especially during the first year when there are so many adjustments to be made. But honestly, it was the easiest adjustment ever for us. We always talk about how natural it feels to be united as husband and wife. Every day, I wake up happy. Every night, when I close my eyes for sleep, I am happy. There is no other way to describe life with Matt except to say it is complete contentment with him, with our love, and with our life. We have spent the past 365 days together -- and it has been the best 365 days of my life, and I can't wait to do it all over again for a life time.

Newlyweds!

I am so thankful and blessed to have my best friend and to have our simple, everyday life together that we dreamed of for so long. I wouldn't change it one bit for a moment. Happy anniversary, Matt! Can't wait to get started on year number two!

Finally husband and wife.

All wedding photos by Hope Photography.

my fairground attraction

 

This song will be used throughout this post. "Allelujah" by Fairground Attraction. 

Six years ago today, my life changed completely in one single day and was never the same again. 

A 21-year-old college senior, I was in love with a guy but too shy to tell him so. I would later find out that his shyness and fear of rejection kept him from speaking his heart as well. 

I see you every day 
I watch as you walk down this way 
We pass on the stairs of this council block 
Too shy to find words to say 

He and I enjoyed each other's company at the state fair, laughing together, playing fair games, and looking at exhibits. I longed so badly to tell him how I loved him but had never used those words in a romantic way before and was unsure what he would say. I never got up the courage to tell him in the few hours we spent at the fair.

As he walked me to my car in the parking lot across the street from the fairgrounds, I knew I couldn't let this day pass by without telling him how I felt. 

But your smile is a prayer that prays for love 
And your heart is a kite that longs to fly 
Allelujah, here I am 
Let’s cut the strings tonight 

As he hugged me to tell me goodbye, I said "Matt?" with my head pressed against his shoulder. He said, "yes?" And in a quiet whisper, I said, "I love you." He immediately squeezed me up tighter and said, "I want you to know that you are loved too!"  He then told me that he wanted to kiss me. And thus began the first kiss with a lifetime of kisses to follow.

So meet me on the corner at eight 
Let’s get out of this place  
We’ll kiss the first of a million kisses 
And let the past fall away 

It may seem silly to anyone other than to Matt and me, but those three words changed us both in a way I never thought possible. We started the day as two shy, insecure individuals. We emerged from the tough shells of protection we had built up around ourselves and revealed our hearts -- we no longer possessed the fears of rejection and felt we could truly be ourselves and comfortable in our own skin.  

Here we were about five years ago outside of Calhoun's. We only have
a couple of pictures of us from the fair, but that was before either of
us had digital cameras, so this is the best I can do. :-)

Here we are now -- with a little extra cargo about to join us.

"Allelujah" by Fairground Attraction (convenient band name, eh?) has been our song ever since that day because it describes the beginnings of our relationship perfectly. Two people who are too shy to say how they really feel, despite longing to be set free by expressing those feelings. They realize it is time to no longer let the past hold you back and to cut the strings of the kite and soar. That was us. After that day, we realized how important it was for us to have gone through that experience -- to be vulnerable enough to face potential rejection in order to speak our hearts.

It is amazing how such a simple experience can be monumental in your life and pivotal to the progression of events. From that moment on, the shells were completely gone, and we never looked back. Our love grew and grew from that first little seed and blossomed into the bond we are united in today. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think back to the sweet smile on his face and the genuine love I saw in his eyes after he kissed me. That was truly the beginnings of the foundation for our unification, and I knew then I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

Five years later ... well, I will tell you more about that in two days. :)

some pig

Remember the classic children's novel by E.B. White entitled Charlotte's Web? To refresh your memory, the story involves a pig named Wilbur who becomes friends with a spider named Charlotte. She is no ordinary spider, using her special talent for writing to save Wilbur from the slaughter house. Charlotte saves Wilbur by writing messages in her web that portray Wilbur as something extraordinary in hopes that the farmer will let Wilbur live.


Charlotte described Wilbur in her web with such words as "some pig," "terrific," "radiant," and "humble".



At one point in the novel, Wilbur inquires why Charlotte has treated him so nicely by aiding in his survival. "Why did you do all this for me?" Wilbur asked. "I don't deserve it. I've never done anything for you." "You have been my friend," replied Charlotte. "That in itself is a tremendous thing."

Earlier in the summer, I noticed a different spider than any I had seen around the house before outside near my hydrangea bush. This spider is commonly known as a writing spider. Sounds cute and all of that, but I'd prefer to have no spiders. As I watered the hydrangea, I squirted him and his web a bit before deciding to let him stay there (at least for the time being). After talking to the hubby about it, he informed me that they are good spiders to have around. I have to disagree, as no spiders are good to have around - at least when there is a possibility of them coming inside which frequently happens!

But our spider friend has behaved and remained in generally the same area on the side of the house all summer long, so I am pleased with him. I have mostly avoided being in the summer heat for an extended amount of time lately, but our plants (what is left of them) were pleading for water. This afternoon, I noticed our little writer was hanging out with his web connected to the house and a small nearby tree. He had really done a lot of work to his home, and it looked like he had successfully attracted dinner.



When I was looking at his vividly colored body, Charlotte and Wilbur popped into my mind. It may have been due to the sermon on Sunday at church that was focused on uplifting those around us instead of tearing them down with our words. The pastor talked about how we so easily think of negative words to say about others but have a difficult time finding good to say. He used the biblical passage about the woman caught in adultery who the Pharisees wanted to have stoned according to the law. He explained how Jesus did not focus on the sin itself. He did not attack her for her wrongdoing and call her names - instead Jesus focused on her redemption by telling her to go and sin no more. The pastor had everyone in the congregation write down a word or phrase on a slip of paper that someone had said to them or called them at some point in their life - something that hurt them so much that it has stayed with them.

It was easy for me to think of something to write down. The difficult part for me was choosing one of several things that quickly came back to mind. I decided to write down the most recent one. Afterward, everyone passed in their slip of paper. The papers were mixed up and passed out. I opened the slip I received, and it said "cold hearted". Some people in the congregation shared the word(s) on their paper out loud. Such words as "selfish," "dumb," "fat," "skinny," and "idiot". And as easy as it for us to think of all those people in our life time who have hurt us with their words, how many people out there still remember the negative words we used toward them in the past?

Charlotte did the one thing she could to appeal to the farmer. She wrote. She devoted her time to thinking of the best words to use to describe her friend Wilbur. And ultimately, a few words led to saving his life. Yes, it is just a novel, but it doesn't just have to stay a story. The words we use every day can impact someone's life one way or another - you never know when you may be saving someone's life who is on the brink of giving up, simply by uplifting them instead of tearing them down. Or on a smaller level, you may just brighten someone's day.

I will never forget the time when Matt and I were still getting to know each other, and he told me I was beautiful. No big deal, right? I was so taken aback when he said it because no man had ever used that word to describe me. Cute, pretty, sweet - yes ... but beautiful - no. It sounds silly, but hearing that for the first time filled me with such joy and made me feel special. It was probably that moment when a spark went off for me, and I knew I wanted to get to know him even more. Now I am his wife.

Likewise, I have a friend from college who was always bothered by me calling her an idiot. It was a word I was stuck on, and I used it frequently (sometimes without realizing it) when I would talk to her. One day, she told me to stop, and I could see the hurt in her eyes. I was blind to how much I was hurting her each time I used the word. I would venture to guess that this particular friend still remembers that to this day. Once we say things, we can't take them back. Why not use our webs of life to weave a glorious pattern of love and kindness for those around us instead of leaving behind a history of hurt that we cannot undo?

one man's junk is still just junk

It's no secret.

I am a hoarder. I hoard everything. Books, plastic bags, papers, craft supplies, nail polish, lotions, cards, clothes in a million sizes - everything.

The friend who was supposed to be our guestbook / program attendant at our wedding was a no show, so most people didn't receive a wedding program, which means I still have over 100 of them. What am I going to do with 100 wedding programs? Nevertheless, they are here.

And my biggest ... receipts. I believe receipts spawn from other receipts in our house. They appear in the strangest places, yet I insist every one of them be kept.

Before a recent visit from my parents that I was unaware of until the day before their expected arrival, my mom remarked, ''I know you are a slob. We are used to it. You don't have to clean for us,'' when I remarked that I hadn't cleaned the house yet.

I would like to think that ''slob'' is just a less fancy word for ''hoarder''. The truth is, when my sweet husband helped me clean out my bedroom and pack before we got married, we threw away at least 11 garbage bags full of junk - remnants of 26 years worth of hoarding.

I used to call my style ''organized clutter''. However, I think the organized part went out the window ages ago.

I am unsure of when all of this began for me, but I do recall hoarding things as a child. Does anyone remember Lisa Frank stickers and school supplies? Here is a picture I found online to remind you ...



I always thought Lisa Frank stuff was SO COOL! I remember conserving my stickers and pencils. I would use up other stuff not as cool as Lisa Frank items, but I lost interest before I ever used most of any of it. I was like this with other things as well. Craft sets for kids, such as those sand sculpture kits where you could layer different colors of sand in plastic bottles. I would be sure and not use it all up at once to make it last. Yet again, many years later when I was clearing stuff off a shelf in the closet, there was the majority of the sand sculpture kit saved up for a future use that never came.

As part of my hoarder mentality, I truly am a slob too. I have always hated chores (don't most people?), and I am sure my parents got tired of constantly nagging me to clean my room, empty the dishwasher or whatever the case may be. I have perfected the notion of putting things off as long as possible. It is good that we have guests every now and then, otherwise, our house would be disastrous more often.

Despite my slobby hoarding nature, I do admire and enjoy when the house is all cleaned up. It somehow creates a more relaxing environment. A sense of pride comes along with being a homeowner or at least living in a space that you (and/or your spouse) are solely responsible for. And I find myself now concerned with things related to keeping the house clean that I used to think my parents were silly for caring about. Chores don't seem to be quite the headache they used to be.

I still hate cleaning toilets.

And I still have to keep my receipts.

Some things just won't change.

Words and Music

When I decided I wanted to start a blog, I obviously wanted something other than "Misty's blog." Where's the fun in that? Friends have blogs with titles "Life is great with Kate" and "Put on Love" ... I needed something! As any good wife would do, I went to the one with the brains.

... and as any good wife would do, I informed my better half how lame his 20+ ideas were. (After all, he's the music, I'm the words.)

Some of his ideas included:

• "BOOM! It's Misty!"
• "You can be a pork chop" [this one is known as a "Misty version" song. More on that at a later date.]
• "It's Misty Time"
• "Misty Mania"
• "Welcome to Mistyland"
• "The Mistyest of the Mistys"
• "Tales of a Tennessee Transplant"
• "Dispatches from the Richards home"

I'll give him some credit for the Tennessee Transplant one. And with that, I was worn out with Mistyisms and realized I was on my own. A cute little song by Norwegian singer-songwriter and guitarist Sondre Lerche called "Words & Music" has been in my head lately. Matt loves the song, so of course I've heard it a ton of times. The song talks about how well two people fit together, with one being "a poem when you're on your own" and how "when we get together we're a song."

I wanted my blog to be more than just about Misty but also about the words and music that make up the song of our lives. Matt and I fit together like two puzzle pieces, so I thought this would be most appropriate. Even though in the song, the couple takes turns being either words or music, I decided for the purpose of my blog, that I'm the words and Matt is the music.

Though we both are into writing, literature, music, etc., he's the musician between the two of us, and I'm the writer. If you know Matt, then you know just how he really is THE music. We can't go anywhere or do anything without him noticing what songs are currently playing at the store, restaurant, wherever. As for the words, well, I'm the one putting them on here.

You can view a video of the song here:

Words and Music

One more thing ... Matt wanted to include this song in our wedding, but I vetoed it on the grounds that it's a little too peppy for a wedding ceremony. I guess this helps me score some points back with him.